And again I wax poetic…

I live my life right now in alternating states of sheer joy, deep anxiety, awkward silences. I see people who knew I was pregnant who don’t know about Ben, and they ask how he is…do I say fine (my normal reply, along with “doing well”) or do I launch into the story and ruin everyone’s day? I hate to be the one who says “well….not so well….” when everyone expects to hear the standard reply to “how are you/how is ben/didn’t you have a baby/how is the baby”. But I fear much more getting those questions when I run into someone in a year and I have no explanation about where or how Ben is other than the truth: that he is not with us any more. What I really want to tell people is that he talks to me every morning, that he has a great smile, that is he learning how to laugh. I want to tell them that yesterday he discovered his left foot when I held it up for him to see, or that we got about 20 excersizes to do with him to improve his muscle tone. I want to tell them that he has great hair, that he loves his mom, that he gets “all eyes and forehead” when he snuggles with his daddy. I want to tell them that he is Big, and yet still impossibly small. So I try to say these things, and all I can think is that I am telling a half truth, and that I’m prolonging the pain of having to answer “how is Ben” after he is gone. I don’t want to say fine, and I don’t want to be sad girl. But people don’t expect to hear the truth, even the good side of it.

So sometimes I just say fine.

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5 Responses to “And again I wax poetic…”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    I Hear You

    Sometimes there just isn’t an answer, is there! I do believe, however, that people can handle the truth and it’s your right to say what you need to. If they can’t handle it, they will probably stay out of range. Thank you for sharing the truth so beautifully with us today, good woman and mother. At least Mary, another Blessed Mother, understands.

    Carol

  2. dc_chick06 Says:

    For the time being, and under all circumstances, Ben is doing pretty fine right now.

    Don’t think about what you’re going to tell people a year from now.

    Live in today…it makes things a little easier to just live and think about now.

    -Brandy

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Don’t worry too much about other people’s feelings. If one day you feel like being sad girl, be sad girl. Your focus should be (and seems to be) on you, Scott and Ben first and foremost. If somebody gets their feelings hurt along the way, too bad.

    • coffeemomma Says:

      Sometimes easier said than done. I have a hard time with the knowledge that I’ve hurt other people’s feelings. But Ben comes first…you’re right.

  4. zoobily_zoo Says:

    Honestly, it would be a breath of fresh air to hear such a thoughtful answer in return to an everyday question. I never fully realized what an absolute miracle every single baby is until I had one of my own. Often times the little things in life go unnoticed because we don’t stop to look. Strike that, to most of us moms things like our children finding their feet aren’t little, they make our week. But my point is that I think it is absolutely romantic to fall in love with our children the way that you have Ben. Going the extra mile to make it obvious is even more awesome. Was that coherent?

    And as far as this time next year goes…you just never know. It’s Ben.

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