It’s never been about fair

It’s been a trying day.

Ben has been sick for about a month. We’ve gone from cough to runny nose to sneeze and runny nose, to bad snotty nose. Then we did a ten day antibiotic run (finishing thursday last) for a slight ear infection. Rather than kick the whole thing, Ben went off his food yesterday and today is coughing, congested, lethargic, and again we were at the doctor’s office. I can’t set Ben down, because he breathes better when upright. The doctor put him on a stronger antibiotic (his ears are still infected) and we’re doing Albuterol nebulizer treatments every four hours. Ben is not a happy camper. I guess it’s a judgement call whether to take him to Children’s Hospital or not, but his Oxygen saturation was pretty good today (71 when sitting up, which is normal/excellent for Ben), so we’re at home. Pretty much the only thing that children’s can do that we can’t is put him on Oxygen (and give closer pediatric care). Scott and I feel pretty strongly that if we can treat Ben at home, we will…but within reason…so don’t worry, if he needs the ER, we’re going there.

My mom called this morning to check on us, and I have never been so happy to hear anyone’s voice. I just about cried. She came over to help care for Toby so I could be with Ben today. Toby is having his first overnight at Grandma and Grandpa’s tonight. I am so heartbroken about this whole thing. I can’t believe that I am spending the first night away from Toby when he is six weeks old…but I know that this is the best thing for everyone.

When we decided to have another child, it was a really heart-wrenching decision. There just isn’t a right time to make that choice when we are living with Ben, but we want a family, so we have to learn to live with Ben and have the life we want. It is all part of the way we choose to raise Ben and live our lives. In my mind I always knew how difficult it would be when he got sick…but it doesn’t make these days any easier. It’s just not fair to Ben, or Toby or Scott and I, or anyone to live this way, but it’s the way things are. Ben needs us, and Toby needs us…but right now Ben needs us more. Ben spends the larger part of his days healthy, happy and full of joy, so we all have to learn to navigate the sick times. I spend a lot of time (probably more than I should) thinking about our lives with Ben, and where the path we are on will eventually take us. I spend a lot of time thinking about how we will deal with the days ahead and how we will help Toby walk this path with us. It’s painful and heartbreaking. There is a small part of me, though, that knows that I will raise a son who is compassionate, loving, and that I will teach him to live with the grace that Scott and I try to live each day. There is a larger part of me that knows that I am not the one who will be teaching these lessons to Toby, though, that Ben is teaching us all how to let go and live life. I guess some days I just wish it was easier.

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5 Responses to “It’s never been about fair”

  1. xosmurfzruleox Says:

    awe

    i’m sorry that things aren’t going so great right now, but i know that you’ll all get through it just fine =) he’s a tough lil guy.

    thinking about you all from over here in the good ole EL. =)

    miss you!

  2. larkina1 Says:

    You guys are the worlds BEST parents!! Those
    two little guys are so lucky to have you!
    The O’Gorman clan

  3. Anonymous Says:

    No, it’s not fair

    Sending you good energy, light, love, hope, dear Kym. You and Scott have done so much. No children could be more loved. I know you are afraid for Ben. Any parent would be. You are NOT alone and I trust you will be given the strength you need to meet the challenges of each day. You are in my prayers!
    Love,
    Carol

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Being fair

    It is absolutely fair that Toby is in this world. It is absolutely fair that you and Scott live with little Ben despite the circumstances. You will not be able to see all of the advantages of your present situation until the boys are grown and you and Scott are old folks sitting in your rockers reminescing about the days past.

    Life teaches us lessons that we would rather not learn – but those lessons turn out to be the most valuable. Love and grace surround you. You are not alone – you will never be alone. What is really blessed is that Ben never feel a moment without love and Toby will learn the true meaning of the word.

    God bless all of you.
    ——
    Love
    Mary Ann Ryan

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