A break in the clouds

Sometimes I do have days when I see myself moving on…remembering Ben and still being able to live life. Not because I am “living”, per se, the way I want, but because I realize what that will look like. For example, I did thinking today (in the car driving, because that’s when I do my best thinking) about the life we really led with Ben, and about how we made that decision to LIVE with him rather than wait for him to die. I commented to Scott the other day after reading through some older entries on this blog how LONG it took for us to really make that shift…that we said we were living with him, but we weren’t and had to be scolded (lightly) by hospice to start taking him out and get off the couch. Then we really did start going out, and we got better news from the Cardiologist…but I still see entries that are about what he looks like, what his color is, what he’s eating, how I interpreted everything as a sign of some sort. But somewhere there was a shift…and I see in my writing that we really did start living.

Then today I’m watching Oprah (because you know, I LOVE me some Oprah) and I hear these words from her guest: “A miracle is just a shift in perception”.

Sometimes these things just hit me and the Universe is trying to tell me something.

A miracle is a shift in perception.

What a gift we were given. Believe me, it’s not the first time I have said this, and it didn’t take recent events for me to realize it…I know and have always known that Ben was a gift….but the gift that I have only recently realized is that I was able to make that shift in perception…and really live with him. And that was when all the magic happened.

Fits nicely with some other words that have been echoing in my head all week, from Garth Brooks’ song “The Dance”…it’s not really one of my favorites, but I can’t help but realize how true the refrain is:

And I, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d’ve had to miss
The Dance.

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2 Responses to “A break in the clouds”

  1. zoobily_zoo Says:

    I was watching that today, too! I think of you everyday, multiple times in one day. I don’t pretend to know your thoughts, but it must be a great comfort to know that the decisions you made with Ben left little room for regret. You made such a HUGE life change staying home with him. I applaud anyone that sacrifices to stay at home with their children, but from my point of view you did beyond great. You adjusted and accepted things with grace.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    MIracles

    “A miracle is a shift in perception” is exactly right. How many miracles do we miss every day because we can’t, or won’t, shift perceptions.

    Ben was a gift to us all not just because he was what he was, but because he gave you a voice. Before Ben’s death is a memory, that voice will have spoken to countless individuals, giving them hope and consolation. Yes, Ben was a miracle. But….so are you.
    ——-
    Love
    Mary Ann

    P.S. Looking forward to Monday.

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