long weekend

As I was driving to my parents on Friday to drop Toby off (since I work one day a week, he stays with grandma and grandpa) it hit me like a ton of bricks that it had been one month since Ben’s death. Longest month of my life. I feel like I should be writing about it, but I don’t know what to say, really. It was a really hard realization to take, made my day kind of crappy, and made my weekend kind of crappier. I sort of manage to shove stuff like this when I need to function (like on friday) then deal with it later – on Saturday (by having a hard time getting out of bed and getting moving). We had stuff to do on Saturday, and it made everything a little bit more difficult.

I’ve gone from feeling pain, just plain old emotional pain all the time to feeling like I’m some sort of zombie. I get through my day, I clean, eat, run errands. The only time I’m really “with it” so to speak is when I’m playing with Toby…he keeps me pretty grounded. The rest of the time I feel like I’m just kind of plodding through my life. Ben is all I can think about most days. I don’t know if I want this to stop (because I’m not living my life to the fullest extent) or not (meaning I worry I wouldn’t think about Ben as much).

After the funeral and other related activities, when Scott went back to work, I spent two weeks where I would go out and do something every day. Usually all day. Now I”m really trying to schedule time at home more…I have to be in my house at some point, and traveling around all the time isn’t all that good for Toby, I’m sure. But being in the house is still hard, I zone out a lot more when I’m around here. The only good thing is that Toby still demands a lot of attention, so I’m spending time with him, and that’s a welcome distraction from the Zombie-like behavior. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to feel a certain amount of joy in life…I’m ambivalent about so much now. I want my joy in life to come back, I miss it, but I think it will just take time.

We were at a baby shower for some good friends on Saturday. I had been planning for a long time to give them a copy of a book from Ben, it’s called “I can, can you” and depicts children with DS doing all kinds of ordinary things. I thought it would be a good way for them, when the time comes, to start talking with their child about Ben, how he’s the same and different, and what that means. I still gave them the book, and watching them open it made me all weepy, which made me feel like kind of a dork. But I figure that if anything, their baby has a really really happy guardian angel now, and that makes me feel really good. I guess that whole experience made me realize AGAIN how much Toby missed seeing Ben, and how much they won’t share together. It makes me a little sad.


3 Responses to “long weekend”

  1. jackiemania Says:

    I had a similar experience this weekend with my little niece Anna – her and Vincent were 6 months apart – Heather and I were pregnant at the same time – she gave me her maternity clothes as she grew out of them, when Anna was born I was holding her, pregnant myself – we had so many plans about switching off babysitting and having the cousins raised together. Now every time I see her of course I think of all that. Think of what Vincent is missing. OK gotta stop – can’t cry at work.

    It’s so hard, Kym. Joy will come back, but it’s never how it used to be. We are different people now, tempered by something not everyone goes through.


  2. Anonymous Says:

    Been there…sort of


    Just wanted to let you know I’ve been reading along and can empathize–you’re describing almost exactly what I felt like (feel like sometimes) when my Mom passed away. Bravo to you for being able to express it–something I still suck at. Anyway, one of the things that helped me was something a colleague told me about his mother passing away, and my guess it probably applies as well to losing a son. He was asking somebody who had gone through a similar experience when the pain goes away. They replied that it never really goes away, it just becomes easier with time to deal with. For me, I guess that helped me realize that it wasn’t something to “get over”, it was something to work through. I think of you and Scott often and send good thoughts and prayers your way!


  3. zoobily_zoo Says:

    With time you’re going to rejoice in all of the little things again, and will come out of the fog. I will just venture a guess in saying that you won’t ever be exactly the same, but it isn’t going to be a bad thing. If anything you will be stronger & an advocate for so many people. When I became a mother my friends just didn’t understand my feelings, or my priorities, because they hadn’t experienced that. I haven’t experienced the loss of a child, and don’t want to pretend like I know all there is to know. But I don’t want to abandon you either. I’ll always be there when you need me.

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