Spring is finally here, people. As I type I can hear the ice cream truck out in the neighborhood. It’s at least the one that’s not annoying (that one plays turkey in the straw endlessly) or scary (that one plays some weird eastern-european sounding song that sounds like something out of a Stephen King novel). Toby and I have been getting out on lots of walks. I really appreciate the sunshine and fresh air after the long grey winter. I have needed this.

Last week, as I said I would, Toby and I went to school to visit Ben’s teachers. It went well, I wasn’t overcome by memories or anything, and it was really good to see them. They even let us stay for circle time, which opens class. That was lots of fun with a parachute (that Toby chewed on) and balloons, which Toby was fascinated with. After the opener, we chatted a little then went home. I’m really glad I went to see everyone, I think if I hadn’t done it this year it would never have happened. It was a good day.

Since spring is here and I have waited for it for so long, I find that missing Ben has turned into more of an emptiness. Like I waited to be able to take him outside and walk and play and it isn’t going to happen. It makes me feel kind of hollow. Still going through good days and bad days here, I guess. I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years last night at band, and was showing him pictures of Toby and Ben. I find that in situations like that I have to say right away what has happened with Ben, because it is easier that way. But only with people I know. If I am just meeting someone, I still find it easier to say I have two children and leave it at that. I don’t want to get into the details. Sometimes it’s because it isn’t any of their business, but mostly it’s because it is just to hard to share. And sometimes, also, it’s because I just don’t have the energy to get into all of it, knowing that the conversation will end up with me reassuring them that I’m fine and things are fine and the two years we had with Ben were a gift. Yes, all of that is true, but in that scenario I’m saying it to make someone else feel better and less awkward…I just get tired of doing that job sometimes.

This weekend is the big birding extravaganza in Canada…the yearly event. I’m so looking forward to it, and so is Scott. We love to get out and hike around for two days, and can’t wait to take Toby into the woods. The only thing that worries me is that lately, although Toby is a great sleeper at home, he will NOT sleep anywhere that is not home. Last friday at my mom’s, naptime was a disaster. Saturday night we went to some friend’s for dinner and a movie, and Toby would NOT sleep. Period. So I’m thankful for the home sleeping, but I”m worried he won’t sleep in the hotel. Hopefully the fresh air will help a little! You know you’ll read all about it here.

There are some pictures

Mischeif

This face, it tells me that I’m in trouble when this boy gets older.

baby backpack

So we got this backpack thing from my mom. It’s ancient. She got it when my sister was born. But we decided to try it out…so here’s Scott, trying it out.

baby backpack

Toby looks a little alarmed, but he had a good time.

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