Posts Tagged ‘new days’

May 6, 2008

Spring is finally here, people. As I type I can hear the ice cream truck out in the neighborhood. It’s at least the one that’s not annoying (that one plays turkey in the straw endlessly) or scary (that one plays some weird eastern-european sounding song that sounds like something out of a Stephen King novel). Toby and I have been getting out on lots of walks. I really appreciate the sunshine and fresh air after the long grey winter. I have needed this.

Last week, as I said I would, Toby and I went to school to visit Ben’s teachers. It went well, I wasn’t overcome by memories or anything, and it was really good to see them. They even let us stay for circle time, which opens class. That was lots of fun with a parachute (that Toby chewed on) and balloons, which Toby was fascinated with. After the opener, we chatted a little then went home. I’m really glad I went to see everyone, I think if I hadn’t done it this year it would never have happened. It was a good day.

Since spring is here and I have waited for it for so long, I find that missing Ben has turned into more of an emptiness. Like I waited to be able to take him outside and walk and play and it isn’t going to happen. It makes me feel kind of hollow. Still going through good days and bad days here, I guess. I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years last night at band, and was showing him pictures of Toby and Ben. I find that in situations like that I have to say right away what has happened with Ben, because it is easier that way. But only with people I know. If I am just meeting someone, I still find it easier to say I have two children and leave it at that. I don’t want to get into the details. Sometimes it’s because it isn’t any of their business, but mostly it’s because it is just to hard to share. And sometimes, also, it’s because I just don’t have the energy to get into all of it, knowing that the conversation will end up with me reassuring them that I’m fine and things are fine and the two years we had with Ben were a gift. Yes, all of that is true, but in that scenario I’m saying it to make someone else feel better and less awkward…I just get tired of doing that job sometimes.

This weekend is the big birding extravaganza in Canada…the yearly event. I’m so looking forward to it, and so is Scott. We love to get out and hike around for two days, and can’t wait to take Toby into the woods. The only thing that worries me is that lately, although Toby is a great sleeper at home, he will NOT sleep anywhere that is not home. Last friday at my mom’s, naptime was a disaster. Saturday night we went to some friend’s for dinner and a movie, and Toby would NOT sleep. Period. So I’m thankful for the home sleeping, but I”m worried he won’t sleep in the hotel. Hopefully the fresh air will help a little! You know you’ll read all about it here.

There are some pictures here


March 10, 2008

Toby started grabbing things this weekend…at first we were wrapping his fingers around a toy, but pretty soon if we touched the toy to his fingers he would do it himself. Moving a toy to his mouth quickly followed. He has a beautiful wood teething toy that we got from a friend when he was born, and it is one of his favorites so far. There are pictures at the end here.
Additionally, I read something this weekend that said “your three month old may be able to sit if supported by pillows”…and I thought “hmph…well, what do you know”…and sure enough Toby has been sitting for short periods on the couch and supported by the boppy. You will see pictures of this too, but in the boppy pictures he refused to look at the camera…that’s because the cat was near, and he was pretty fixated on the cat. I’ve decided that cats make GREAT toys for kids…at least until the kid figures out how to get the cat, at which point I’m sure disaster will ensue. *edit* If you look at the picture, you will see the Cat in the background…so he’s fixated on something else completely. Real observant, mom. 🙂

I took Toby to library storytime today. It was the first time I had been too, since storytime always conflicted with something Ben and I were doing. That and I never knew which one to go to…birth to walkers? He was older but not walking…walkers? Well, he wasn’t walking but those kids were the same age. So it was confusing. I have some observations on storytime. On the whole we had a good time…Toby slept for the first half, but then woke up and had fun with bubbles and looking at the other babies. One thing I really really was disappointed by was how, well, reserved and kind of boring the librarian was that ran the whole thing. I really really missed the teacher at Ben’s school that always runs circle time. I wanted to stand up and say “get excited! Shout! Sign! Call kids by name, interact with them!” But she had a plan, and rushed right through it. Part of that is me talking as a teacher, but part of it is me really really missing Ben’s teachers. Occasionaly the early intervention group runs programs at the library, and I plan on going if I can. Those people are just much more fun.

After the storytime, there is some open playtime. Three of us there had babies that were two or three months old, the other two were first time moms. One of them was very intent on telling us all the things her baby was doing. The baby really looked unimpressed and had some mystery gunk running from her eye the whole time…she seemed embarassed for her mom. Mom tried to put baby on her tummy, insisting that they had been doing tummy time since birth (she probably would have said they had been doing it in the womb if she thought she could get away with it). I know that it sounds snarky for me to put it this way, but I really really wanted to just tell this woman to relax, that her daughter was beautiful and would do everything in good time. I have learned so many lessons from Ben, and one of them is to just RELAX.

I was talking to the other mom of an under-three-monther, and we were talking about sleep and schedules and the like (overacheiver mom said she had trained her two and a half month old to be awake during storytime every monday. Good for her)…I was editing myself very heavily because as a second-time mom, I wanted to just say that all kids are different and that sleep schedules come eventually…along with all the other developmental milestones. I really didn’t say much, because it was hard not to say “well, my older son…” I shouldn’t have bothered, because eventually the woman I was talking to asked me if this was my first child. I stammered for a minute then said really fast “Ihadanothersonbutmyfirstsonpassedaway”. Then the uncomfortable silence fell, and I thought “uh-oh, say something fast, because you are now the mom of the dead child”. It was very awkward. But I changed the subject and things went back to normal again in good time. I know that these moments are going to happen, but I am still very unsure how I will handle them. So when I get “the question” now (do you have other children, is he your only one, is he your first one), I don’t know how to answer. I know that one day I will have a better answer that will not be awkward and will not cause me so much pain, but right now is too soon. It’s just another day missing my Ben.


A new view

February 24, 2008

One thing Scott and I cannot stop saying so how thankful we are for Toby. He forces us to be present. He demands our attention, both for his basic needs, but also with his little smiles and coos that remind us that he loves us and we love him. He forces me to get out of bed every morning, which is good since I think most days it would be easier to simply pull the covers over my head and hide. He reminds me that the world needs me, that he needs me, and that things will be okay.
P.S. If you don’t normally look at the pictures, you want to see these.

Some new pictures: